Facebook Murder Reflects Cultural Shifts
UK police have reported that a man who murdered his wife this Spring did so because he was upset after seeing her change her marital status to "single" on Facebook, according to coverage today from the BBC. This looks like a horrible story with a sensationalist internet component, but it's actually more culturally significant than that.
The integration of new social networking into the lives of hundreds of millions of people around the world is dramatically changing communication and introducing unknown new dynamics into ages old-interpersonal issues, including psychosis and violence. There are new questions to ask.
The man in the news story had been estranged from his wife and became "enraged" after seeing her changed Facebook status, according to police. The act of declaring oneself finished with a bad relationship is something that people have done throughout history, but social networking in general and Facebook in particular change the way that such an event occurs. Of course the violence isn't Facebook's fault in any way, but in trying to understand human relations, interpersonal and domestic violence, this is an undeniable example of the way that the internet is changing our world. It could have been MySpace, or any other social network - this is a story about increased connectivity, privacy controls and the speed with which information is transmitted.
The Ways of the Newsfeed
Was the woman aware that by changing her status, the man would receive a post on his Facebook newsfeed? Did she know how to exclude him from such updates if she had wished to? Did the man worry that he would be publicly humiliated when other people received the same kind of notice on their newsfeed? Did he picture a particular group of people who would see it and was that picture accurate? Do we need to teach children new social skills about dealing with semi-public information online, like the end of a relationship?
There used to be a time when people could quietly signal to their friends that their relationship status was changed and could take certain steps to control who knew that information. At least it was likely to spread relatively slowly, compared to the pace with which it spreads now.
Communication in social networks is unlike our previous forms of communication in some important ways. In some cases that will inevitably have tragic consequences.
That's our take on this story. We welcome readers' perspectives as well.
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Why didn't she block him? Wouldn't that have removed her updates from his newsfeed?
Unless it was because she wanted him to see she changed it.
That is NOT an excuse for his behavior, but if you are going to go out in public: get directions, take precautions, and know what's going on around you.
Why is it brushed off when people make *crucial* safety mistakes online? If this woman yelled in a crowded room her ex was in, "I'm single now!" we would all have a moment asking ourselves..."Why did she do that?"
Expecting people to take a moment to be aware of what they are doing online is not too much to ask. But that's what happens when the rest of the bell curve finds social networking - social networking begins to reflect the rest of the bell curve.
This woman deserved to be safe. She should be alive today. But it is a lesson for other women (and men, and kids, and everyone) to learn how to block other users, and stay safe online as well as offline.
...and realize that a computer monitor does not keep you safe from what's outside your front door. (/ominous tone)
My old boyfriend wanted to murder me after I changed my status too! Lucky I got outta that one!!
Was the woman aware that by changing her status, the man would receive a post on his Facebook newsfeed? Did she know how to exclude him from such updates if she had wished to? Did the man worry that he would be publicly humiliated when other people received the same kind of notice on their newsfeed? Did he picture a particular group of people who would see it and was that picture accurate? Do we need to teach children new social skills about dealing with semi-public information online, like the end of a relationship?
Wow. Very insightful look at this horrible situation. Really makes you think about the (hopefully) unintended effects of our actions online. Thank you for this.
Possibly she did not know she could block her ex. Or didn't realize he was reading her FB page. Using social networks online is very new, and not everyone appreciates the safety issues, let alone has the technical knowledge and skills necessary to protect themselves. This is especially true in cases of domestic violence and cyber-stalking.
An important trend that hasn't really started yet is people learning to manage their online exposure in the Web 2.0 world.
Interesting comment after the article: "Why is it brushed off when people make *crucial* safety mistakes online? If this woman yelled in a crowded room her ex was in, "I'm single now!" we would all have a moment asking ourselves..."Why did she do that?""
Posted by: Daniel J. Pritchett
|
January 22, 2009 1:09 PM
I've long contemplated these kinds of issues. Back in my day, if your life went south, you could move to a new place and have a fresh start. You could leave people behind.
That's no longer true...or at least not nearly as likely. Today, if you break up with somebody (or leave a bad job, or dump a bad friend), you're still exposed to them. They can still look you up, monitor your status, and resurface all those feelings, both positive and negative. I fear it prevents some people from being able to move on, because it's now so easy to pry into somebody else's life, whether they want you to or not.
I love that there are people from my past who don't know what my married name is and have no idea where I am or what I'm doing. I think it's a shame - and, yes, dangerous! - that "fresh starts" and "clean slates" are vanishing as an option.
I know at least three people who have inadvertently announced their divorce/separation s to a much broader community than they intended, in precisely the same way. And all of them are quite tech-savvy folks, who just didn't think about how the 'status changes' of Facebook get promulgated.
None of them fortunately got murdered for it, but they were all embarrassed and upset because they lost control of sharing their own information.
Yes, good advice about the blocking: he may have been murderously enraged by watching her change her relationship status, but I'm sure he would have been perfectly fine with her blocking him entirely and that would have had no consequences at all...
THINK!
This is not a story of somebody not understanding Facebook, people. It's just a horrible murder in response to a breakup. Same exactly as if Facebook was not involved. There is no magical privacy feature that would have prevented it.
This was a spiraling situation. She obviously realized that she was engaged to a maniac, made a choice which appeared to be physically safe, and still got killed.
The lesson to learn here is that breaking up can be a matter of life and death, and especially if you deal with a violent psycho, you should probably protect yourself within a women's refuge or a similar organization, where people can act swiftly if the guy tries to break in and attack her.
The whole internet component is a red herring here. I doubt that this woman would still be alive if she only had chosen a different way to break up, and she is in no way responsible for her own death. That would be a cruel twisting of the reality here.
...and thirty five years ago this same kind of mentally unstable lunatic would have killed his ex-girlfriend after seeing her at the drive-in with another guy (whether she wanted him to find out or not). Although the means, spread and speed of transferring the information is different today we will still see the same outcome when dealing with a bad cocktail of irrational deranged criminals. Regardless of having the ability to remove your ex from your “friends” list or going to the drive-in in a car with tinted windows the real takeaway for me is to be more selective when it comes to dating.
completely agree with paniq. breaking up with someone or even announcing it to the world is no way justification for what that man did. everyone has to go through rejection and pain at some point in their lives, but most people don't flip out and start killing people they once loved.
Paniq, Marc - of course you are right that the internet didn't make this situation, I only contend that it changed it in ways that are worth considering.
Disturbing. Reposting @Jeffro because the debate seems to be moving away from the lessons that we should learn from such a terrible tragedy:
"Was the woman aware that by changing her status, the man would receive a post on his Facebook newsfeed? Did she know how to exclude him from such updates if she had wished to? Did the man worry that he would be publicly humiliated when other people received the same kind of notice on their newsfeed? Did he picture a particular group of people who would see it and was that picture accurate? Do we need to teach children new social skills about dealing with semi-public information online, like the end of a relationship?"
Jeffro: Wow. Very insightful look at this horrible situation. Really makes you think about the (hopefully) unintended effects of our actions online. Thank you for this.
Re "Do we need to teach children new social skills about dealing with semi-public information online, like the end of a relationship?"
The Digital Natives project at the Berkman Centre for Internet and Society have (as usual) some great information and advice on this subject, see for example here: http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/digitalnatives/2008/12/15/unfriending-stealth-tactics-and-sensible-responses/
Because social networking interfaces are still so far removed from real inter-personal communication coping mechanisms designed for people with poor social intuition become relevant to many more poeple (e.g. Interpret Positively - http://tantek.pbwiki.com/InterpretPositively)
The sort of sensationalist crap the MSM will indulge in will only give anti web, pro censorship clowns a fillip.
Where is the "man murders wife after she tells him she doesn't love him- lobby group calls for ban on talking" article?
The web is merely an extension of our lives, not a parallel universe.
Tom
One thing that -- MIGHT -- have stopped / let her live (he MIGHT not have been so brutal) is if she put down / and other sites have in the drop-down menu's
"FORMILY MARRIED
OR
FORMERLY IN A RELATIONSHIP"
Thanks for the newsbite and the insight! I think there's an interesting conversation going on here about learning how to be savvy wrt one's online persona. There are so many privacy features built into Facebook that it can seem completely overwhelming.
My motto: manage Facebook activity like you would your offline social life- so many of us are still in high school when it comes to this stuff!- google yourself regularly. put yourself in the shoes of someone who would stalk you. it pays to be virtually self-obsessed ;)
If anyone reading is interested in learning more about social networking, I humbly offer you the weighty tome of my anthropology graduate degree @ thevirtualcampfire.org
I'm always surprised at the number of people who use Facebook to report relationship status. My two biggest concerns with it are:
(1) Friends who are in and out of relationships so much, that despite knowing and loving them, based on Facebook reads, I wonder why anyone would date them. I had one friend who's relationship status changed six times in a 2 week period. I was thinking, holy moly, if you're just arguing with the dude, don't do Facebook break-up. Of course, I always find the 'It's Complicated' status kind of funny. And thinks Facebook should offer some refinements, such as: 'We're Fighting' or 'I Never Want To See Them Again, Today'. So people give less weight to them.
and
(2) The timing of how people announce relationship breakups, and friend response. A couple that I had known for years, and who had been together longer than that recently broke-up. But what happen on Facebook is one partner declared their single status while the other was still listed as married. My first thought was, 'Uhmm does your partner know, you're single now?' My second was, 'should I offer sympathy or congratulations?'
Ideally speaking, at least for marriage and partnership breakups where both are on Facebook and connected. Is that if one person goes from 'In a Relationship' to 'Single' then the other persons status should get changed as well.
But all in all, this will be just another relationship skill that some people learn to master while others fail stupendously at. Either way, obviously the dude was mentally unbalanced.
I personally think the relationship status is too private to put on facebook or any . Especially when it is send out via the news feed. Even if you don't have a psycho boyfriend you definitely are going to hurt somebody by showing publicly that you broke up, or that you have a new relationship.
I blame facebook and other social network for not taking enough measures to protect the privacy and dignity of its members. Social networks pretend to be a playful tool to connect with your friends and that there it is nothing to worry about. In fact people get easily bullied, stalked, threatened and abused by providing all their social information into facebook.
Don't get me wrong I love facebook and such and I think we shouldn't live without it. But this is exactly the reason I think the providers of social networks should develop some kind of behavioral code for its members. Otherwise I see a strong possibility of some kind of virtual anarchy with serious effects on the "real world".
Recently had an ex BF who stalked me (physically at my parents house, virtually through IM, and online through contact over "ebay" of all things using an alter ego!) years ago contact me again over facebook. I nearly fell off my chair when I saw the name. He sounded sane and like he had moved on, but I did not reply or allow him to "friend" me. Its amazing how "small" the world becomes through social networking sites like that. I have used them to find out when a guy was cheating on me though, so the lack of privacy is a two edged sword.
Let's not blame the "tools" relating to anything for to the core human insanity OK?
Don't blame her not blocking him... don't blame technology... don't blame modern day ways... don't blame FaceBook...
Blame the worthless mentally ill dumbfuck who committed murder.
When I was in school (which wasn't too long ago), my folks subtly taught me the necessary social skills. Will I have to teach my kids social networking skills as well?
Scary.
It is not the fault of Facebook. The man has serious issues and probably has had them for a long time. The "single" status aspect could have set him off. Obviously it was in no way shape or form the woman's fault. With so many users, tragedies like this will happen.
Millions of people get in their cars everyday to drive and think nothing of it. Not as many fly in an airplane everyday, but I would bet those that do fly, at one point or another - are a "bit" scared or at least nervous. Which causes more deaths?
As technology changes and usage grows, society will catch up - it's too bad these types of things have to happen in order for people to realize they need to protect themselves in all areas and have a plan b and c if necessary.
Technology is changing so fast even the most saavy users often find challenges with simple issues. Social networking should be rewarding, and in my experience it has been. Although I have seen my fair share of "problems" arise due to things or friends or friends of friends have seen or misread.
The best advice I can cite is what Jenny posted here before me
"manage Facebook activity like you would your offline social life- so many of us are still in high school when it comes to this stuff!- google yourself regularly. put yourself in the shoes of someone who would stalk you. it pays to be virtually self-obsessed ;)(Jenny)"
I wholly agree with her.
Have a nice day.
-JLS
The dumbness of this article's author is dragging the economy down.
What crap. This is nobody's fault except the lowlife who killed his poor wife.
Yet another article trying to promote how "the Internet is changing our world". Yawn.
Good thing Harry has a cooler head (and so didn't do a copycat.)
--
"Prince Harry 'dumped over Facebook'"
http://www.stuff.co.nz/4830589a1860.html
Not just in the case of ended relationships do people need to pay attention to what they put up on the net for all to see. And anyone who uses a social networking site has the responsibility to educate themselves about it's features, possible dangers, and privacy features. Or, as I do, simply not put anything up online that you do not want everyone to see. The only way I can see anyone holding anything I've ever posted against me is if I were to apply for a job at Microsoft, EA Games or Wal-Mart, and that will never happen.
Quotation:
Ideally speaking, at least for marriage and partnership breakups where both are on Facebook and connected. Is that if one person goes from 'In a Relationship' to 'Single' then the other persons status should get changed as well
That would be enlarge the problem presented here. Then when one person ended the relationship, the other would most certainly know (or at least find his/her own status changed). I don't know that we want to encourage trends that one user's actions can affect another user's profile without his/her consent.
Quotation:
What crap. This is nobody's fault except the lowlife who killed his poor wife.
Yet another article trying to promote how "the Internet is changing our world". Yawn.
True only the "lowlife" is to be blamed, but is it not beneficial to at least consider the effects of technology before dismissing them out-of-hand?
Blaming the woman for changing her relationship status on Facebook is the same as saying women bring rape on themselves for wearing short skirts. Blame the offender, not the victim!
She could have chartered a plane with a banner detailing the end of the relationship and her murder STILL wouldn't have been justified, end of.
Consider the possibility that it was SAFER to announce it on Facebook so that he would come to terms with the reality while they were NOT in each other's presence. And so that everyone would be notified of the breakup, enabling others to 1) alert her if his behavior seemed to be spiraling out of control, or 2) reach out to him with support. When you are attempting to leave a dangerous relationship, that is NOT the time to be secretive. Best to alert friends, relatives, and co-workers if you think you might be in peril. The police typically can't/won't do much until it's too late.
I think many of you are missing the point of the author. The article is not in any way blaming facebook of technology for the murder of that woman. The author is just attempting to bring to light the effects of social networking and the Age of Information on our interpersonal relationships. Because of the speed at which we are connected today we must adapt to a new social arena at a much faster pace then we ever have previously. I agree that no one but the man is responsible for his ex-wife's murder and that to blame it on technology would be asinine. I must also state that the woman should not have to take any extra action when announcing her relationship change. She should take into account the man's feelings but the thought that she should have gone to a woman's retreat for protection seems absurd. The responsibility of the crime falls fully on the man and his overreaction. Back on topic: in an age where technology permeates every aspect of our lives I believe that we should be educating our children on how to interact with this new social scene, in some cases they should be teaching us. Sadly this kind of social knowledge cannot be taught outright it must be learned through example and experience. We will not be able to teach this upcoming generation but they will be able to teach their children. Think of the telephone, I'm sure people had similar experiences with the new found closeness of telecommunication when it first emerged but we seem to have some social ability when it comes to phones. It will all just take time to adapt. We will have to learn faster due to the increased speed of technological advancement but we will get there. Maybe not in the next generation but eventually.
Very long comment I know... I hope it is coherent and helpful.
Nick, thank you for that commment. It said a lot of what I wanted to say.
One other thing to consider is how the speed of these changes affects our social relationships. The telephone must have taken decades to reach the same number of households that facebook too to reach in just a few years.
In the case of the telephone, it seems to me that the technology spread at a rate that was slow enough as to allow the development of social norms in regards to using the telephone.
Facebook, on the other hand, seems to have been adopted by the majority of our population (at least those aged 16-25 or so) with no social "rules" to govern it. Thus, we're in a sense "making up the rules as we go". This, in my opinion, is the main thing to be concerned with; the speed at which we are changing the ways we relate to one another, and the acceleration of the means of communication.
I understand that this article is meant to focus on the role of technology in crime, but I think some of the questions asked bring up other questions about why men in intimate relationships continually committ such appalling violence toward their partners. I think this issue should always be at the forefront of a discussion of domestic violence.
"Was the woman aware that by changing her status, the man would receive a post on his Facebook newsfeed?"
>Should she have had any reason to believe that this would lead to her murder? And if she did and posted anyway, was she partially responsible for her own death?
"Did the man worry that he would be publicly humiliated when other people received the same kind of notice on their newsfeed?"
>Is the potential for humiliation reason enough for murder? Does his humiliation justify his actions?
"Do we need to teach children new social skills about dealing with semi-public information online, like the end of a relationship?"
>Perhaps, but we certainly need to teach young men that no matter what the potential for "humiliation" they do not have the right to MURDER intimate partners.